I downed a tall glass of water and crawled back to bed. It was no use. I couldn’t fall back asleep. I tossed and turned as my mind spun out of control thinking of too many things. As the minutes ticked on and turned into hours, I realized I had to finally get up. There was work to be done. I shoved the feeling of anxiety and sadness down. Push through it, Julie. I thought. Get it done. It’s just like running…cover the distance. Doesn’t matter how fast you go…suck it up and push through.
Later in the day… I stood behind the table, smiling, talking, selling and signing books. It was almost 90 degrees and I was sweating. Thank goodness for the slight breeze and canopy I was standing under. After a few hours on my feet, I finally kicked off my very worn, black Chuck Taylors and stood barefoot on the cool grass. I followed my second bottle of water with a second bottle of Gatorade. Smile. Talk. Sign. Smile. Talk. Sign. I got through the day. For all practical purposes, it was very successful. I sold over 60 books in a matter of hours and got to spend time chatting alongside a new author friend. It was nice. I was distracted from that stomach-churning, sad feeling…most of the time.
At the end of the day, I climbed into my steaming hot car, cranked the A/C and headed back on the freeway for the hour-long drive home. I seemed to be maintaining the composure I had kept up all day, and then something happened. A song came on that I hadn’t heard in a long time. As I listened to the words, I realized they couldn’t be truer. Music has always spoken to me.
As my latest blogs have reflected, this has been an incredible year for me… not only have I had some amazing triumphs, I have experienced extreme sadness too. I’ve grown and learned so much about myself. Sometimes the process has been really tough. I’ve been reflective, introspective, amused and surprised. When I heard this song, it washed over me, crumbling the façade I had put up to get through the day. I drowned in the words as the sadness once again flooded my body.
“The drops of rain they fall all over
This awkward silence makes me crazy
The glow inside burns light upon her
I'll try to kiss you if you let me
(this can't be the end)
Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad
Down down down down
It gets me so
Down down down down
It gets me so
Your vows of silence fall all over
The look in your eyes makes me crazy
I feel the darkness break upon her…”
(Blink-182 “Down” - *Hear the song below.)
The words echoed scary truths for me. I continued my drive, numbly clutching the wheel as a single tear escaped my eye and I began to blink to keep any more from running down my cheeks. As the song ended, I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to keep my head above the rushing water I felt coming over me.
Hours later, I felt compelled to write about these moments in my day. As I began to write, my friend chimed in on facebook and I told her about the song and how it brought out “Sad Julie,” but that I needed to write about it anyway.
Being a supportive and loving friend, she answered, “No more Sad Julie....blog something happy!”
My reply was, “Ehhh... gotta get the sad out. Swim through it. So the happy can shine.”
I didn’t write this blog for sympathy. I wrote it to help me get the sad out. I wrote it because I think a lot of the people reading this know exactly what I’m talking about and have felt this way at some point in their life. Dealing with sadness in life is a lot like running. There is always a point during a race when you feel like you can’t go on…when you’re tired, sore, panicked or gasping for air trying to catch your breath. Sometimes, you feel like you’re underwater. You’ve just got to keep swimming through it…otherwise you’ll drown. It’s the difference between carrying on and finishing strong, and giving up – giving in to the sadness, or to feelings of guilt, or someone else’s desires, because you just don’t know what else to do and you’re scared.
Sometimes, it’s hard to push through and swim and we need to tread water for a while…sometimes a long while. But, while we’re treading water, if we listen to where our mind wanders, our choices become clearer, our heart speaks stronger, and we will begin to see another side. We need to remember to never lose ourselves. It’s easy to do. We may not even see it coming…as we slip away into the carefully constructed box that society or the people in our life seem to dictate. Ignoring feelings or a situation doesn't make them go away or make them any less real. It just keeps them jammed into that carefully constructed box for a little while... But one day, the box will start to crumble. Sometimes, it’s not about fixing what is broken. Sometimes, it’s about creating something new. We just need to keep our head above water. Listening to the voice inside that tells you to keep your head above water is the difference between drowning and seeing the sun again.
I will always hope.
I will always forgive.
I will always believe in happy endings.
Even if I just have to tread water for a while…
Eventually, the happy will shine again.
"Never take someone's feelings for granted.
You will never know how much courage they gave
to show them to you."
(- Words of Wisdom)